I was lying in bed last night (unable to sleep as per usual) and started contemplating the number of times we have been through this. TWENTY-SEVEN. We have done this 27 times. I have monitored my cycle for the time of ovulation 27 times. Many of those times included holding my pee for hours before testing to check for my LH surge (which happened on average 3 times a month). I have done the 2WW 27 times, which includes being hypersensitive to any real or perceived change in body or mood lest it be a sign of pregnancy. You become OBSESSED and google is your enabler. I have dreaded getting my period and willed it not to come 27 times. And 27 times I have watched it come, announcing its arrival on a square of toilet paper. The devastation, frustration, anger, sadness, and hopelessness have crashed down upon me (and my husband) 27 times.
It makes me wonder, how many times is enough? 27 sounds like f*$% load. Yet, it is a small number compared to some couples journeys. Some people try for a decade. That makes their number 120. I can’t even imagine that or my head might explode! I guess, in the end, we are all different. Our tolerance levels are unique to our constitutions and situations. Some only stop because they don’t have the financial means to continue. For some, it is the reality of age. For others, physical and mental exhaustion cause them to raise the white flag.
I don’t know when our battle will end. Some days I don’t know how much more of this I can take. We haven’t even tried IVF yet, and I know that is the hardest test of all. I read other women’s stories about going through IVF and I am flabbergasted by their strength and perseverance.
Sometimes I wonder whether my desire to have a baby is strong enough for me to continue this fight. Will I even recognize myself once we hit time number 37? Some days I barely recognize myself as it is. Then I think of the alternative of not trying – childlessness. That fear of being childless galvanizes me to continue.
So, I guess – for me at least – the answer to the question “how many times is enough” is the number of times it takes to for me to accept that I will never have biological children. I’m definitely not there yet, and I have no idea when that day will come. Hopefully sometime before we hit number 120.