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Return from radio silence with a schizoprenic post

I haven’t written a post in a long time. Some of you may wonder whether that means that yet another one has “bit” the (baby) dust. That I actually got pregnant and didn’t need the blog anymore. Rest assured, there has been no action in this uterus. Just the unrelenting monthly period. The one I keep willing not to come. Every month. But still it comes. Not quite like clockwork, but close.

I don’t really know how to explain why I haven’t written in such a long time. In a way I think it is because I have felt better, yet also because I have felt worse. Some days I don’t want to write about my infertility because I don’t want to risk bringing down a decent day. Some days I don’t write because I can’t; the pain is just too unbearable to even think about trying to string words into a sensical sentence. The last time I had a real urge to write was after watching the series finale of HIMYM. Boy, I had a lot of things to say about THAT. It worked me up so much but I didn’t want to give the episode more power by spending time writing a post about it. So, all I will say about HIMYM is that it was painful to watch. I would rather have jabbed myself in the eyeball with a rusty old knife. At one point my husband even said “I just want this to be over”. So many pregnancies (wanted and unwanted) and an underlying message of “all the important moments in life have to do with kids”. The series had been going downhill for awhile, but we had followed it all along and wanted to see it through to the end.

I guess one could draw an imperfect analogy between our loyalty to HIMYM and our infertility journey. It started off fun and exciting, but then things started to change. After awhile it wasn`t fun anymore, but once you are on the rollercoaster it is hard to get off. So now, 2.5 years we are trying to see our infertility journey through to the end. At least the part of the journey that includes trying for biological kids. I always maintained that I would never do IVF, but here we are, about to undertake that journey. All my concerns about the risks surrounding IVF have been pushed to the side.  The girl that uses vinegar and water as a cleaning agent because she wants to avoid unnecessary chemicals is now going to start injecting herself with a cocktail of hormones. Desperate people will do desperate things.

So, now I am doing the countdown until I get my period. Then, if all goes according to plan, we will be undergoing IVF this July. I am scared out of my mind, but also kind of excited. I just want to get started with this stage of our journey. As anyone who has dealt with infertility knows, the waiting is often the hardest part.

Thanks for reading!

 

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